This is a third generation Nissan Skyline GT-R, and I am
about to rap to you about why it should make your little dick hard like frozen
diamond. What, it look like a respectable saloon? That’s its fucking secret. This is a straight up fucking
weapon with the perfect disguise, like a six year old girl packed with dynamite
and Soviet ideologies. How does a 2.3 litre inline-six cylinder engine sound? Awesome is the answer, it’s all snarly
and sharp like a 150lb wasp. Also, there are two turbochargers. Two, you punk, because forcibly cramming fuel and air in the combustion chamber for
the wildest possible explosion once
is simply insufficient when your goal is to make Sonic the Goddamned Hedgehog
weep at his relative lack of speed. Nissan claimed about 280 brake horsepower,
but this was modesty, and really it
was over 300 when the car was running good.
It was the late eighties when the car they would call Godzilla was conceived.
Some Nissan engineer was all like, “shit, let’s make a car that will make every
race series in Japan look stupid as hell by walking over the top of them” and
his boss was like “haha yeah ok bro do it” and then it actually happened. We got
this fucking magic all-wheel drive system, I don’t know how the fuck it works,
that lets the car cling to the track like Spiderman to a naked tit but still
corner like the magic bullet that killed JFK. The whole car is overengineered
as shit, too, so the fast and furious tuner boys can’t get enough of it. You
can, in theory, tune this engine to produce a power output approximately
equivalent to that of twenty-one supernovae, and thanks to the torque-splitting-centre-differential
traction sorcery all that power will
just be delivered with no fuss, and uproot the nation’s entire fucking road
system, spooling it out the back like in a Looney Tune, as you rocket off,
pulling 0-60 figures that cannot be measured by modern science en route to a
top speed comparable to that of light. For real- can you imagine some smarmy shit of an investment banker’s face when his brand new Porsche convertible is
smoked away from the lights by a fucking NISSAN!? Nissan, like who made the
Sunny! That’s the kind of range they have as an engineering company- like Bryan
Cranston is equally convincing as goofy dad and as crank kingpin, Nissan are
equally skilled at making boring hatchbacks for boring people to cart their
ugly kids around, and howling performance icons like this beauty. It’s not that
beautiful, actually. The later models looked a lot better. And went faster.
Shit. Whatever- the GT-R was a Goddamned
revolution.
Ludicrous Kill!
Saturday, 15 December 2012
Saturday, 6 October 2012
Seeing Things Differently
Have you ever come to see someone you thought you knew in a
different light? Like, you’ve got this female friend, right, and you’re close,
but just friends, you know, she’s in a relationship, whatever. You can finish
each other’s sentences, laugh at each other’s jokes before the punchline, know
all each other’s favourite snacks- but you’re just friends, no more. You’ve
never even considered her romantically, not even once- totally platonic. And
then, suddenly, she’s single, and she’s starting to get back into dating again,
and you start to think differently about her. Look at her differently. Suddenly
you’re seeing something completely different when you look at this girl you
knew so well; the lines of her face, the way she walks, the curve of her hips,
even. All of a sudden, it’s almost like you’re checking her out, noticing her for the first time. You
think about that time she hugged you at the ice cream place, when you felt
something- something unfamiliar and strange, but thought nothing of it. It’s
like when you played the shit out of Mario World as a kid, know it like it’s
your own house, and it’s only when you dust off your old SNES that you realise
you only ever played world 1. Suddenly, there’s so much- more, it’s a goddamn revelation. It took just a subtle change for
you to realise what you hadn’t been seeing, and then it was there all along,
staring in your stupid face. End of the Sixth Sense, you know? There the whole
time, but you just didn’t see. It took this perfect moment, this sudden flash
of light, this epiphany for you to
realise just how fucking fat she’s gotten.
Saturday, 25 August 2012
Vive la Différence: How GT5 and Forza 4 Prove the Industry Wrong
We
gamers, and this site not least, often lament how modern games have
ever less variety- how modern action games are clones of one of Call of
Duty, Uncharted or Gears of War. We often complain that seeing something
different is far more unusual than it should be, and we get perhaps
over-excited when we see something that is- see Watch_Dogs. On the face
of it, one might think that racing games would be the most guilty of
this- the premise of driving a car around a track is identical for damn
near every one of them, right?Well, maybe. As a car fan without money for cars, I’ve been spending a lot of time with the two biggest names in console race sims- Polyphony Digital’s Gran Turismo 5 and Turn 10’s Forza Motorsport 4, and it turns out that the variation between two outwardly similar games is greater than it appears; it seems to me that there is a fundamental difference in design philosophy, pervading every aspect of the games, that sets them apart from one another to attentive eyes.
GT5
presents a simulation experience, pure almost to the point of
harshness, but deep too, with multiple disciplines, a huge range of cars
and meticulous attention to detail. Over a thousand painstakingly
recreated vehicles make up the roster, and each one drives differently.
Real world and virtual tracks are included, all with their own subtle
nuances, and the player can race at night, in the rain, or on snow or
dirt tracks to their heart’s content. Career progression and menus,
however, can be very clunky at times, and AI opponents often seem
oblivious to the player’s car- it’s clear that this is a game that is
all about the driving simulation, with no room for compromise.Forza, on the other hand, is a far more player-focused experience, offering a more structured campaign and the polish for the smoothest possible player experience. The career mode is smooth and well-designed, menus slick and car customisation intuitive. The online suite offers the ready usability of a Call of Duty game, and carefully planned DLC offers new cars and tracks that add to an already complete experience. For all its polish, though, it lacks GT’s range and depth of cars and experience, not to mention a little of its character.

Everything from menus (slick in Forza and intimidating in GT) to race physics (with GT’s lending each car more personality but Forza’s superior feedback) to my mind illustrates that these games, supposedly interchangeable, are in fact two very different creations born of very different but equally worthy visions. Which is better? I couldn’t possibly say; Forza seems to represent the console ideal of challenging gameplay accessible to all, while Gran Turismo’s unwavering focus and clear passion are admirable. As a car fan and a game fan, I like both very much; both sold well and received praise from critics, despite taking very different approaches to the same basic formula. Neither game releases annually, either, and both are receiving impressive post release support in the form of patches, DLC and community events.
Why, then, do so many developers seek to follow trends and copy the competition? Here, surely, is proof positive that visionary and talented game creation yields a truly worthwhile (not to mention marketable) product, distinct from the competition. Forza and GT are franchises with unique identity and vision; trends come and trends go, but I believe that a game with that identity can stick around for a very long time.
This article was originally posted on www.invalidopinions.com - check it out- it's great and actually gets updates unlike my stupid goddamn blog.
Labels:
cars,
Forza Motorsport 4,
going fast,
Gran Turismo,
PS3,
racing,
videogames,
Xbox 360
Wednesday, 11 July 2012
More Cars I Could Never Afford: Mclaren Reveal MP4-12C Spider
Mclaren last week announced and showed off a new model of
their slickly named MP4-12C supercar, this time with up to 100% less roof. Presumably
in a bid to silence those claiming the car looked a little tame for a £170,000 all-carbon twin-turbo supercar, the spider looks fucking amazing. Mclaren claim
the coupe’s blistering performance is largely intact, thanks to design wizardry
and carbon fibre- most cars converted to convertibles as an afterthought end up
heavy and lame thanks to the compromised structure and necessary reinforcement,
but the MP4-12C’s carbon tub chassis neatly sidesteps these issues, and there’s
only a relatively minor 40kg weight increase from the folding hardtop. With the
twin-turbo 3.8 litre V8 kicking out 631 horsepower, I suspect you won’t notice.
I recall reading that some TT-veteran bike racer reckoned the hardtop McLaren
would give a superbike a run for its money- with the roof gone,
it might also match the sensory bombardment terror. The spider comes with all
the same performance sorcery of the hardtop and will retail for a cool
£195,500; pricier than the coupe, but if you’re in the market for one you can
probably afford it.
Though I’m not entirely sure why I’m qualified as a supercar
pundit, I think the Spider is a welcome addition to the McLaren stable. Obviously,
no one was questioning the MP4-12C’s pedigree- between the legendary F1 and
decades of motorsport excellence, McLaren are assuredly top-flight when it
comes to fast cars- but for such an exotic machine, it did seem a little bland
(especially when the alternative is the outrageous Ferrari 458). The beautiful
new Spider ought to reassert McLaren as a maker of cars that are not only
technically marvellous, but impassioned and desirable; they’re going to need
that if they hope to give Ferrari serious competition on the road as well as
the track. I may have a little trouble securing a test drive, but when I do
I’ll be sure to report on it. If any rockstars or CEOs are reading this and fancy picking one up, the first cars are expected to reach customers around the end of the year.
Labels:
cars,
going fast,
mclaren,
shit i can't afford
Monday, 4 June 2012
On Motorcycles and Middle-Earth
I can’t stop fucking thinking about motorcycles. Not just
any motorcycles, either- 1000cc supersport motorcycles. I find myself obsessing
over the engineering balance of the Honda Fireblade, the digital supremacy of
the Aprilia RSV4 and the savage purity of the MV Augusta F4R. My father has a
Ducati 916, widely regarded as a classic of the class, and took it out
yesterday. It took twenty minutes to start and when it did it deafened me and
woke the neighbours. But what a fucking thing
it is! That styling, that ferocity, that v-twin rumble. This is dangerous; a
fat fuck like me, who has never ridden so much as a moped, shouldn’t get any
ideas about fast bikes. Cocaine is a
healthier vice, and more socially acceptable, too. Fuck it. The heart wants
what the heart wants, and my heart wants to race.
All that remains is to find some money and negotiate the ever tightening
maze of UK bike licensing laws, and I can get myself a cheap shit 125cc
commuter bike- a start.
Been reading Lord of the Rings again. I’ve heard people
complain and disparage about the books, claiming they aren’t all they’re
cracked up to be. While I can see where these people are coming from, I have to
disagree. The Lord of the Rings is an unparalleled masterpiece- what it isn’t
is readily accessible to the modern reader. Tolkien created not so much a story
as a world, one that is fit to burst
with depth, richness and melancholy. This, I think, is why we get songs that
last four pages about some plot-irrelevant elf-maiden’s favourite tree while
the deaths of major characters are done with in a few sentences. I mentioned in
my post about the GTAV trailer how the GTA games give the player a beautiful
world to lose himself in. Tolkien did the same shit with just text.
It’s also E3 season, with the Microsoft conference starting
in about 45 minutes at the time of this writing- I’ll be posting about this one
afterwards over at www.invalidopinions.com
(HA HA PLUGGING). Hopefully, it won’t be a repeat of the casual gaming Kinect
shitfest we saw last year. I’m hoping for some more GTAV content, maybe a new
Playstation console, and for the Wii-U not to be completely horrible. As ever,
you can bet that lots of stupid shit will be shown and that Half Life 3 won’t.
Labels:
e3,
lord of the rings,
miscellaneous,
motorbikes
Friday, 1 June 2012
My Work for Invalid Opinions
I haven't posted here in three weeks; considering past form, that's a miraculously short interval, but I'm still unhappy with myself for it. There is a reason, though- I'm now on board with an independent games journalism site. Invalid Opinions seeks to provide articles and reviews with the unbiased and honest opinions of real video game enthusiasts, disillusioned with the current state of video game journalism and the industry as a whole. We've been picking up momentum pretty nicely, but it has occupied me away from this blog- much of my gaming content will be heading there for the time being, though it should work its way over here after a while. So! Check out Invalid Opinions, but don't stop checking here. I'm sure I'll find some aspect of my incredibly adventurous lifestyle to report on. You can see a couple articles I originally did for Invalid Opinions below.
Starhawk Review
Since the release of Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
way back in 2007, there hasn't really been a lot of room for innovation
in the console shooter. Developers have sought to replicate COD as
closely as they could to attract the brain-dead masses. For the
discerning gamer, like you, dear reader, this is not good. As such, it gives me pleasure to report that Lightbox Interactive's Ps3 exclusive Starhawk breathes some much-needed new life into the sector.Set in a space-faring sci-fi western universe that owes a lot to Firefly, Starhawk is a third-person team-based shooter with open maps and vehicle gameplay in the vein of Battlefield, outwardly similar to its spiritual predecessor Warhawk, a decent third-person shooter that was sadly completely overshadowed by being released about 3 weeks before the original Modern Warfare. Two teams square off across a wide, open battlefield in objective based-gameplay, as you might expect, but there's a twist- players can summon structures to be dropped into play from orbit, changing the face of the arena in real time.
Turrets, vehicle spawners and fortifications are all available from this so called "Build & Battle" mechanic, and this is what sets Starhawk apart from the crowd. It demands more thought from players than the average shooter- correct use of it is vital for both team and individual success. You spawn with an assault rifle and a handful of grenades. This is fine for fighting some other punk that just spawned, but to mount a serious assault on the enemy base, or a concerted defense of your own? No chance. Call in a a siege tank depot or a supply bunker, though, and maybe you can have a go at it. Building is done with a straightforward radial menu, usable enough that it doesn't get in the way, and can be done by anyone- there's no commander or support role in charge of it. And it works, even in an uncoordinated public server team- walls go up, turrets placed strategically and vehicle structures placed where they can be readily accessed. I'm impressed that a mechanic like this has ben made to work as well as it does in the notoriously anarchic console shooter environment, probably down to the design devotion of the developers- improvements have been made from beta, and more are promised.
The broader gameplay
is pretty good- while unmodified infantry combat can be a little flat,
things get much more interesting when structures and vehicles are
involved. Genuine excitement comes from the constant shifting of a
match's dynamics as buildings are alternately erected and obliterated-
you gotta keep on your toes. Infantry weapons are pretty standard-
general purpose assault rifle, close range shotgun, sniper rifle, rocket
launcher- but all have their uses. Vehicles play a big part- the
firepower of tanks and aircraft is needed to break a siege and the speed
of jeeps and jetbikes to whisk the flag away- and handle well. To my surprise, there is a singleplayer, and even more surprisingly it doesn't feel completely divorced from the multiplayer. Story hinges around the precious so-called "Rift Energy"- space-crude-oil, essentially. Out in the space frontier, there's a constant battle between Rifters (roughneck space cowboys) and Outcasts (once-men mutated and consumed by the energy). Our player-character is somewhere in between; a rifter with just a hint of outcast glow. It's a pretty decent space western, with colourful characters and animation cutscenes, but nothing earth-shaking. Starhawk does, however, buck the shooter trend once more by using largely the same mechanics in singleplayer as multiplayer- success rides on the use ofbuildings and vehicles just as much in both cases. This lends a good chunk of player choice to what might otherwise be a fairly dreary campaign. The setting is really cool, though, with a real frontier vibe and great artstyle.

One thing that does strike me about Starhawk is the amount of really neat design features incorporated; I get a feeling that a lot of love went in from the designers, who were dedicated to do the shooter thing a little differently. Instead of just popping on to the map as if by magic, players drop in from above in a pod, able to make subtle flight adjustment to land exactly where they please. It's not just show, either- land your pod on an enemy player or vehicle for an instant (and hilarious) kill. Bunkers have team-exclusive doors and one-way shields on the firing ports to allow occupants to fire out safely- to take them out requires serious firepower or a daring dash up the external ladder to drop in and butcher those within. The "Hawk" aircraft is suited not only to dogfighting as is so often the case with air vehicles in shooters, but bombing as well, and can transform to a walker form to really take part in the ground fight. These things and more are real sparks of creativity and are very welcome indeed in the stale shooter market.
It's so easy to make an average shooter in today's market- just copy Call of Duty. Starhawk shies well away from this approach and does its very best to do something very different from the norm, and manages it, providing a unique action experience with its unconventional design approach. I like it quite a lot, but there are a couple issues I must mention; were it not for the dynamicism offered by the building mechanic, I don't think the shooter gameplay would work- it doesn'y play as well as a conventional shooter as a good conventional shooter does. Additionally, there are a few balance issues lingering still, particularly with vehicle spam- every player on a team can build himself a heavy tank, and if they all do it stops being much fun for the enemy. Nonetheless, Starhawk is living proof that different things can be successfully done with console shooters- take note, developers.
This article was originally posted on www.invalidopinions.com - check it out, it's totally awesome.
Labels:
Lightbox Interactive,
PS3,
review,
space,
Starhawk,
videogames
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